Truth

It has only been since Monday afternoon that I last posted but now that the holiday's are over and Fridays are normal again I feel it is time to get in the habit of posting on Fridays.

Going back to school after two weeks was a really great feeling. I miss the youth that I work with and I was ready to get back to work. When I showed up at school on Monday only 10 students showed up. Part of me was not surprised because it seemed like everyone else knew this was going to happen and attendance was poor pre break so I figured it may be the same post break. From what I hear next week things will resume as normal. I really hope so I miss the excitement of the children! (I mean teenagers...)

Monday was filled with busy work that I had to tie off from last semester. Tuesday on the other hand was a good day to reconnect with the students. I got to teach computer to the students and since there was so few I got to talk with most of them about their break and how it went. I was still shocked when some of my students were talking about the "Amazing" Christmas presents that they have received. One of my girls was ecstatic that she had received a watch and $4,000 gyd. ($20 USD). Now how many teenagers that you know would be disappointment with a watch (non expensive) and twenty dollars. It reminded me of the truth about Christmas once again - even after the fact I feel I always need to be reminded of how fortunate I am, so here I am saying it again.

Tuesday afternoon I went to go and sit with Ms. Holly and her class. Her class consisted of one student who I really hadn't got to know super well. He is about 6'3 and looks very intimidating. When we were talking with him I quickly laughed at how scary he looks but actually how he is probably one of the least violent students in the school. He was telling me how he recently became a Muslim. His family was never a practicing Muslim family but now he wanted to start practicing so he was learning. I asked him why he decided to become Muslim... he said he really didn't know why but that he just like it. I started to discuss the basics of Islam with him and he admitted to me that he really doesn't know anything about the religion. He then asked me if I could explain the basics of the religion to him. To be honest I do know some basics, and I did know all of the five pillars but that was just because I took a crusades class in college. We had a great discussion about faith and what God is and I challenged him to ask himself why he is searching for God. A while later he came back up to me and gave me some more thoughts. I was very impressed with his desire to think and actually reflect on decisions he was making in his life and I am glad he was open enough to share them.

After this discussion I went home and spent a lot of time thinking about truth. I had been frustrated with a few other things that had happened that day and my roommate Audrey asked me if I wanted to go for a walk to exercise. I agreed and it was a really great time to discuss life and continue my thinking.

When I got home that day I read a few lines from "Caritas in veritate" and the one line that suck out to me stated: "The demands of love do not contradict those of reason."

That line stuck with me for the whole day until the next when I went to Mass. Father was preaching on the readings and what hit me was the simple reminder that "God is love" (1st letter of St. John). And since God is love I translated my quote to: "The demands of God do not contradict those of reason."

I had enough to think about and was throwing myself through the loop when I went to my friend Anna's for dinner. We ended up having a long discussion about Christianity and life. It was good to talk with someone because life in Guyana for me has made me question so many things about life that I once knew. And once again truth came into discussion and I felt like for this week I could not escape the idea of truth. Finally this morning I got a letter which had the quote "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32.

I feel after this long string of coincidences that I could no longer ignore my thoughts. I often think of the world in black and white... and although this is true I am constantly questioning myself about truth and about what this black and white that I see is. And I felt frustrated at the fact that I didn't have an answer or a stance. I was frustrated that sometimes I can be so wishy washy and confused on what I actually want. I confuse truth for subjectivity and I get lost in all of the commotion. And then I decided to allow myself a moment to not be so hard on myself and I realized that "Ashley... at least you are actively searching for the truth".

I would like to tell you that I've figured it all out, and that I know enough to be completely convicted within my beliefs but even the most convicted of persons can have moments of uncertainty. And we only are defeated by this uncertainty when we stand stagnate and do not question or search. We must search for the answers. The difference between water that moves and water that is stagnate is that water that is stagnate begins to stink and collect crud. Water that is always moving is able to stay clean fresh. Whatever it receives it also gives. So the world will bring you uncertainty questions and doubt - but you decided if you move forward or not. So I sit here a convicted Catholic not because I accepted everything everyone told me but because I questioned everything and held fast to what I believed was truth.

An unexamined life is useless. A belief without conviction is trivial. Being lukewarm is not a good place to be... so remember.... the truth shall set you free. How can the truth set you free if you never search for it?

So ask the hard questions, lay down your pride, and figure out what truth really means to you. If I wouldn't have searched hard for what I thought truth was I wouldn't be here in Guyana right now. Truth is not synonymous with easy but as Jesus said: "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32. The truth may not be easy but it will bring you peace and freedom. Stand up for the truth - because at the end of your life when you look back and examine everything at least you can feel confident that you stood up for what you believed in. Know I am praying for you and please pray for me.

Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann