A girl without a plan

I officially finished my last day of work an hour ago. I am no longer a volunteer at Saint Joesph Mercy Hospital or at Mercy Wings Vocational Centre. I have to say it's hard to describe the feeling in words. It's a feeling that we've all had before. It's like walking out of high school or college after all of your finals are finished. It doesn't feel real and it makes you wish that you could actually fully grasp that you are not coming back. Those emotions will come later - once my brain catches up with my body.

I've always been the girl with a plan. Back in the day I applied to at least seven colleges, always knew where I would be working, applied to multiple programs after graduations and a lists of accomplishments of things that I wanted to do before I turned twenty five. I was never without something up my sleeve and plan brewing in the back of my mind. And I can honestly say today I've accomplished everything that I've wanted to do. I've always had dreams and goals but I reached them and for the first time, I'm not sure where my next dream is, I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish next. Sure there are little things that I still want to accomplish, but nothing that's burning in my heart saying: "Ashley, do this". That was what it felt like before I came to Guyana, something deep within my heart telling me I needed to go.

"The place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet"

I keep thinking about how being done with work makes it so much more real that I will be returning home to the States in just a few short weeks. I keep thinking about how I can reach the states in such a short amount of time and that Guyana really isn't all that far from the states at all. Many people feel like i'm down here in a different world - but I'm not in a different world, it's the same world. I thought of this the other day as I was sitting next to an old man in a bus reading a paper. He was shaking his head at something that went on and commenting on the state of the world. I saw a little boy in front of me making faces at his mother and causing some sort of mischief. These kind of instances happen all over the world and no matter what are surrounding is, people are people.

Guyana has taught me that there is a common misconception in the world that whatever happens to us is God's will. I mean I knew this before but it has really become instilled in me. Many people think that they can go and do whatever they want. They do what they please and if God will's it something will happen and if he doesn't will it, it won't. THAT IS THE BIGGEST LIE I HAVE EVER HEARD. Maybe God's willing you to go down the street and help our your neighbor you've been feuding with for the past ten years but if you never actually get off your butt and go makes amends His will never happens. I do believe God is in control but we have the choice to say Yes or No. We choose the blessing or the curse, life or death!

I don't write this because I'm some holy person who prayers all hours of the day and know's exactly what God wants in my life. In fact it's the opposite I write it because I am being convicted myself of knowing that I need to pray more because if I don't I don't know where I could end up. I can be confident that God will love me no matter whether I choose His will or I choose my own path, but I am also confident in the fact that if choose His will my life will be complete. I can miss the will of God and it is my choice.

Mother Teresa wrote about silence of the mind and silence of the heart. I feel like in my life this has most helped me in my decision making processes in life. If we never take time for silence and prayer how can we listen to His voice in our lives? God speaks to us in thousands of ways all we have to do is be open and listen. It may not be an actual voice but here is there, don't doubt that. A priest once reminded me of a short prayer that literally changed my life: "Jesus I believe, help me in my unbelief".

I firmly believe coming to Guyana was God's will for me because I have had so much deep peace over the past two years. Yes, of course, I've committed terrible and horrible sins, I've strayed from God and walked outside of His path for me. That's part of being human. At the same time i've also found so much joy and love in the dirtiest, ugliest, and frustrating situations because I listened to that small voice in my heart telling me to choose love over hate.

I don't know what I am going to be doing next. Like I said I'm the girl without a plan. I have a million work a holic genes inside of me so I'm not worried that I will quickly find something to keep me busy, but I don't know where my next burning passion will come. Maybe it will be in nursing, medical social work, or some unrelated field I've never thought of yet. Only God knows. That is enough for me. I just need to be open and listen for my calling, and in the mean time I will be catching up with friends and family. Enjoying the small things in life and taking the time to just be.

Everything is His anyways... It was never mine... Never will be...


Love and prayers,


Ashley Ann