BitterSweet

I've been sitting at the internet now for over an hour still not sure what to write or exactly how to write it. This is not because I don't have anything to write about of course but rather just because I have such a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

This last week has been full of a TON of cleaning, organizing, sorting and clearing out stuff I have accumulated in my room over the past two years. We set up a little shop in a corner of our living room and gave away TONS of clothes and various other things we won't be bringing home with us. I gave away a ton of clothes because i've basically been wearing the SAME thing for two years and had no desire to bring them with me any more. It was crazy how quickly we got rid of things. There are still a few odds and ends around the house but nothing that we won't be able to get rid of.

I have slightly more than a week left in Guyana as I fly our next Monday to head to Barbados for five days. I know that I will be busy so I think this is the last time I will blog in Guyana, but I will blog again about my leaving because I know my thoughts aren't in quite the right order today. I have started to create a schedule for my last few days in Guyana because I know it will go by quickly and I will want to say goodbye to the people that I really care about.

Yesterday my department in Mercy Hospital had a going away party for me. I have to say that it was a very very very wonderful couple of hours and that I really enjoyed it. I received some AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING presents and they had some REALLY great food. I may seem very overly enthusiastic but really I appreciated it all from the bottom of my heart. I received a book on the country of Guyana which is beautiful and perfect and I also received matching earrings and pendent for a necklace. They are made out of Guyana gold and they are BEAUTIFUL. I think the best part about them is that they look very "Ashley". I feel like if I had to go into a store and pick out some earrings myself that those earrings are ones that I would choose.

People keep asking us about how we feel about coming home. Every time we are asked that question and I am with my roommate Sarah she always says: "It's the definition of bittersweet". I couldn't have ever put it better myself. It is SAD to be leaving a place where you have learned to call home. Guyana seems normal to me now and I love so many aspects about the country, the people and that I have done here. It's also sweet because I haven't been back to the USA since August 2010. I know that my family and friends miss me and I will be very excited to see them.


One of my co-workers was saying at my going away party how Guyana isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I will always carry part of Guyana in my heart. This is no different than how I carried part of my friends and family to Guyana with me. However, I have changed and they have change while we have been apart so although I will be able to come back to Guyana I know I will miss the person I am right this moment. I will never be exactly like the Ashley that left Minnesota in august 2010 and even if I visit Guyana I will not be the exact same person I am during these last few weeks in Guyana. I will never be able to come back to these moments and I need to be real with myself about that because with that realization I will be better able to fully appreciate my last week in Guyana.

I continue to remind myself that no matter where I go or what I do the only thing that will be constant in my life is God. I must remember to be kind to myself when I make failures and have strength to take risks when opportunities present themselves.

As Grandma Zup always said: "One day at a time"


Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

A girl without a plan

I officially finished my last day of work an hour ago. I am no longer a volunteer at Saint Joesph Mercy Hospital or at Mercy Wings Vocational Centre. I have to say it's hard to describe the feeling in words. It's a feeling that we've all had before. It's like walking out of high school or college after all of your finals are finished. It doesn't feel real and it makes you wish that you could actually fully grasp that you are not coming back. Those emotions will come later - once my brain catches up with my body.

I've always been the girl with a plan. Back in the day I applied to at least seven colleges, always knew where I would be working, applied to multiple programs after graduations and a lists of accomplishments of things that I wanted to do before I turned twenty five. I was never without something up my sleeve and plan brewing in the back of my mind. And I can honestly say today I've accomplished everything that I've wanted to do. I've always had dreams and goals but I reached them and for the first time, I'm not sure where my next dream is, I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish next. Sure there are little things that I still want to accomplish, but nothing that's burning in my heart saying: "Ashley, do this". That was what it felt like before I came to Guyana, something deep within my heart telling me I needed to go.

"The place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet"

I keep thinking about how being done with work makes it so much more real that I will be returning home to the States in just a few short weeks. I keep thinking about how I can reach the states in such a short amount of time and that Guyana really isn't all that far from the states at all. Many people feel like i'm down here in a different world - but I'm not in a different world, it's the same world. I thought of this the other day as I was sitting next to an old man in a bus reading a paper. He was shaking his head at something that went on and commenting on the state of the world. I saw a little boy in front of me making faces at his mother and causing some sort of mischief. These kind of instances happen all over the world and no matter what are surrounding is, people are people.

Guyana has taught me that there is a common misconception in the world that whatever happens to us is God's will. I mean I knew this before but it has really become instilled in me. Many people think that they can go and do whatever they want. They do what they please and if God will's it something will happen and if he doesn't will it, it won't. THAT IS THE BIGGEST LIE I HAVE EVER HEARD. Maybe God's willing you to go down the street and help our your neighbor you've been feuding with for the past ten years but if you never actually get off your butt and go makes amends His will never happens. I do believe God is in control but we have the choice to say Yes or No. We choose the blessing or the curse, life or death!

I don't write this because I'm some holy person who prayers all hours of the day and know's exactly what God wants in my life. In fact it's the opposite I write it because I am being convicted myself of knowing that I need to pray more because if I don't I don't know where I could end up. I can be confident that God will love me no matter whether I choose His will or I choose my own path, but I am also confident in the fact that if choose His will my life will be complete. I can miss the will of God and it is my choice.

Mother Teresa wrote about silence of the mind and silence of the heart. I feel like in my life this has most helped me in my decision making processes in life. If we never take time for silence and prayer how can we listen to His voice in our lives? God speaks to us in thousands of ways all we have to do is be open and listen. It may not be an actual voice but here is there, don't doubt that. A priest once reminded me of a short prayer that literally changed my life: "Jesus I believe, help me in my unbelief".

I firmly believe coming to Guyana was God's will for me because I have had so much deep peace over the past two years. Yes, of course, I've committed terrible and horrible sins, I've strayed from God and walked outside of His path for me. That's part of being human. At the same time i've also found so much joy and love in the dirtiest, ugliest, and frustrating situations because I listened to that small voice in my heart telling me to choose love over hate.

I don't know what I am going to be doing next. Like I said I'm the girl without a plan. I have a million work a holic genes inside of me so I'm not worried that I will quickly find something to keep me busy, but I don't know where my next burning passion will come. Maybe it will be in nursing, medical social work, or some unrelated field I've never thought of yet. Only God knows. That is enough for me. I just need to be open and listen for my calling, and in the mean time I will be catching up with friends and family. Enjoying the small things in life and taking the time to just be.

Everything is His anyways... It was never mine... Never will be...


Love and prayers,


Ashley Ann

To be like a child

Once again we had the orphan boys come and stay with us as pairs at the house each night this week. I really have to give credit to my roommate Audrey for being so dedicated to these boys. I always love watching Audrey interact with the boys because it reminds me despite any differences we have as roommates we share the same passion to love others. I'm also always really exhausted after a long day at work and Audrey really takes full charge of the boys keeping them in order.

Wednesday I had a chance to come off of work a little bit early. I went home and Wendell and Winston two brothers were over at the house. It was Audrey's night to cook and so Meg and I volunteered to take them for a walk on the sea wall. We walked quite a distance before the boys were tired and asked us to sit down. We sat and chatted for a while and then convinced them to continue further. We got to a particular stop light that we had pointed out and the boys were ready to turn back. Half way through we sat down because they wanted to take a break to watch the buses go by. I asked Winston what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said: "A solider". I asked Wendell the same question and he said that he didn't know. I tried to convince him to become a firefighter. Then I asked the boys who what they thought Meg should be when she grew up and they said she should be a scientist. I whispered into Winston's ear "Sister Julie" so that he would tell Meg to become a Sister when she grew up. I was just making a joke of course. Then I asked Wendell what I should be when I grew up and he told me: "Mommy". I said "who's mommy?" he said "Wendell Mommy". He may have been fed the answers from Meg but it was such a sweet moment I will never forget it. He proceeded to crawl into my lap and tell me which bus was his. A little while later Winston was getting bored but I knew we needed to give Audrey more time so we walked down to a lady who sells snacks and bought Cheese Stix which are a lot like Cheetos. They were more than excited and it kept them occupied for a long time. Behind us on the sand/silt before the ocean was a group of young kids playing cricket. We moved over to the other side and watched the kids play. Eventually you know the boys ran down to watch closely and play around the area.

I think it is moments like these that are the true moments of my life in Guyana. At our spirituality night this week we reflected on a bible verse from Matthew that states: "Without cost you have received, without cost you are to give". I think children do this better than anyone else in the world. I love the child so the child simply loves me back. If I don't buy him another bag of cheese stix he won't resent me tomorrow and treat me any differently when I greet him in the morning. If I make a comment that was distasteful he won't even think twice about it because after all he doesn't fully understand. I sometimes wish I could love others as the children at the orphanage give pure love to me. I think they are our greatest role models.

Mercy Wings the vocational school I work at had a surprise going away program for me on Thursday afternoon. One of classes sang a song, another read a poem and some of the boys played the drums and danced. I was thankful for the effort that they put in to make me feel so loved while leaving Guyana. Ms. Marietta an Amerindian woman who works as the secretary at Mercy Wings gave me a small woven jewel box from her to always remind me of her my Amerindian friend. (Amerindians are the indigenous people of Guyana)

I have one more week of work left and then two weeks to get things in order here in Guyana before I leave. It seems crazy that in three short weeks I will be leaving my home of two years. I feel all kinds of different emotions but I know this is part of life, this is part of a transition.

Lately I've been thinking about the phrase: "Everybody dies but not everybody lives". I feel that this phrase rings over and over in my head because I feel for those who have not found their passion and followed their dreams. Live as if you'll die tomorrow and dream as if you'll live forever.

I end with a quote that one of my friends recently put up on facebook that really inspired me today and brought a smile to my face.

After A While you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, And you begin too accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans.. After A While you learn that sunshine burns if you get to much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting on someone to bring you flowers.. And you learn that you really can endure.. That you really are strong and you really do have worth~



Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann


May we learn to forgive ourselves and others as easily as our Father forgives us when we go to Him with a repentant heart~

Mark Lenny and I, Lenny and I share the same birthday

Adrian

Winston and Wendell

A trainee from last year brought me her child for a visit! :) 

Sister Rosaline and I at Bosco Graduation 

Audrey and I after Bosco Graduation 

Audrey, Sarah, Ashley and Dave
Dave came to Guyana on the same flight as us, and he would volunteer on the weeks at Bosco 

Sister Celine Marie, Ashley, Audrey, Sarah and Sister Noel
Cake at our Goodbye Tea

Ashley and Wendell
(We didn't purposely match!) 

Last tea with our Guyanese Grandmothers! :)

I've always been a fan of lazy Sunday's and that's exactly how last week started. My friend Venus had moved into her new house on the day earlier and I went over to visit her and her family on Sunday. I got there and we had some food to eat and then after that everyone ended up laying down and relaxing. Venus and I were able to have a great chat and relax. I always call Sunday my recharge day and was grateful for it. After that I headed to Mass at the Cathedral and spent the rest of the night relaxing at home. I am such a go go go person that days like these remind me it's good to just relax.

Monday was Caricom day which means once again it's another public holiday. Mercy Wings the vocational school I work for always takes a staff outing on this holiday. This year we went to a place called Aracari resort. I would like to say that the word resort is used very VERY loosely in this sense. Basically it was a building with a restaurant, bar and a mediocre pool. Although it wasn't the greatest spot to be at we still had a really great time. I enjoyed being able to relax with my co-workers, eat good food and enjoy the sun. We stayed until about 5:30 pm and got home around six. After that I had to quickly shower and get ready to go and see a friend for her birthday. I feel like these last few weeks have kept me super busy going from one place to the other and I love how it makes time go by quickly.

Tuesday as always we had our community spirituality night. It was my turn to lead this week and what I decided to do was go through Mother Teresa's book "No Greater Love" and pick out a couple of passages that I really liked. Here is one of the stories we discussed:

Not so long ago a very wealthy Hindu lady came to see me. She sat down and told me, "I would like to share in your work." In India, more and more people like her are offering to help. I said, "That is fine." The poor woman had a weakness that she confessed to me. "I love elegant saris," she said. Indeed, she had on a very expensive sari that probably cost around eight hundred rupees. Mine cost only eight rupees. Hers cost one hundred times more.
Then I asked the Virgin Mary to help me give an adequate answer to her question of how she could share in our work. It occurred to me to say to her, "I would start with the saris. The next time you go to buy one, instead of paying eight hundred rupees, buy one that costs five hundred. Then with the extra three hundred rupees, buy saris for the poor." The good woman now wears 100-rupee saris, and that is because I have asked her not to buy cheaper ones. She has confessed to me that this has changed her life. She now knows what it means to share. That woman assures me that she has received more than what she has given.


I really liked this story because it made me remember that I can make small sacrifices to make a difference in the lives of others. Sometimes I feel like helping the poor, unloved and lonely seems like such a daunting task and this story reminds me that I don't have to move heaven and earth to help someone else. I thought of how the other night at the orphanage I was sitting with a little boy named Adrian and although he had already eaten tons of ice cream I still shared it with him. It didn't benefit him at all because he had by far passed his limited of sugar but it was simply just being loving to him that mattered.

On thurday we went over to Sister Noel and Celine Marie's house. Sister Celine Marie is leaving on the 15th of this month so we went over to have tea with them. They had a really nice cake for us and of course tons of wonderful food. I always leave their house having eaten wayyyy to many things! :) We call them our "suga momma's". I will always miss the love and joy that they bring into my life. They really have been like grandmothers during my time here in Guyana. They taught me that you must really have trust in God through all of their stories of when God has provided in their life. They are an inspiration to me. Also they act like an old married couple so it is always hilarious to see them interact with each other.

May you all have a wonderful week! In four short weeks I will depart from Guyana and I can't believe it!

Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann

Be at peace

Happy Birthday to My Grandma!! Happy Birthday to my Uncle Matt!!! Wishing both of these AMAZING people another wonderful year full of many great things! :) Miss you both!

Tuesday this week my friends Sanya and Hormazd had a dinner at their house to welcome some new individuals to Guyana. This was one of the highlights of my week because it was just a really relaxing dinner and the new people who came were so nice and friendly. It made me think about the fact that there are so many wonderful people in the world and even though I'm leaving soon I shouldn't shut out the invitation to have a conversation and get to know someone else. You never know what you can learn from someone even on your first time encountering them.

Our friend Dave who came on the same flight as us was also at the party. Dave is a great guy who has devoted the majority of his weekends to volunteering with the boys and other organizations around Georgetown. Dave is leaving later this week and it is sad too see him go. He had a going away party on thursday and it was great to get to catch up with him both on tuesday and on thursday before he left. Dave kept talking to me about how great the boys were and how they are just beautiful souls. It is so nice to see someone who works a full time job and finds the time to come out and play games with the boys. Dave does a great job at using up their energy because they are always in the field playing one game or the other. Bosco will truly miss Dave and he has done for them. I have been changed by finding such a great person who reminds me never to judge someone else. Most people when they meet Dave out on the weekend or at a party may not believe he is the same guy running around the soccer field with the boys but it just goes to show we never know what someone is truly like until we think about all aspects of their lives. Another reason we shouldn't judge!

Yesterday the boy's had their grand birthday celebration. Some of the boys are leaving for the summer so they had a going away party for us inside of the birthday celebration. It was really sweet because the boys sang for us and then one of them read a letter that they had written for us. One of the teachers Mrs. Jax told me how much she would miss me and started to cry. I really will miss her because she always helps me to feel so joyful when I am around her. I will truly miss the boys and by the end of the week I hope to post up some pictures from the party.

The last thought I leave you with comes from a conversation I had with a man while at Dave's going away party. He stopped me and told me how blessed I was at such a young age to be at peace with myself. He reminded me that success will only take you so far in life and many people work year and years before they realize it's not money that will make them happy. I told him how apprehensive I was about coming home and he simply reminded me as long as I am at peace with myself and my God I will find the right path. He is so right.


Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann