Learning patience and crazy dreams! :)

Hello Everybody!

Well, its been two weeks since I have last written but it feels like only days ago. I realize how quickly my time here in Guyana is going by and it makes me a little sad to think about it. It has been hot here lately - and as I look at the weather it looks like it is hot everywhere!! I could really use some rain right now! :)

Mercy Wings, the school, comes to a close next Wednesday and the past two weeks have been giving exams, grading exams and having free time with the students. It has been really laid back, once exams finished, and I have enjoyed spending time talking with the students. It is crazy to think that in just one month I will have an entirely different set of students. I have learned so much from these students. They came into Mercy Wings at the same time I came to Guyana. Crazy to think about.

The reality is we did have some craziness go on. We had one student throw hot water into the face of another student which started a huge fight that ended up expelling both of them. Both students have always had major anger issues and I wasn't surprised when it happened. A couple days later we had a boy hit another boy in the face for looking at him in the wrong way. It ended up with another fight which one of them got expelled. The boy who got expelled also always had anger issues. It was difficult for me to see three students get expelled so close to graduation. Sometimes that how life is - if you go to college but then mess up right before your last set of finals you don't get your diploma either. Life is made up of the choices we make - right?

I've learned a lot about patience teaching at the school. I've also learned that if you have a lot of patience other people will notice when you lose your patience. There is someone who was constantly pushing my buttons and making my life difficult but I have been able to keep my temper for the entire year. Last friday my last piece of patience was ripped from me and I made one angry comment back at the person. The students who were around immediately said: "FINALLY, we've been waiting for you to be mean all year". It made me think for a long time - we are suppose to be helping to shape these students to be non-violent people... yet the only thing this year that has gotten a good response from them is when I do what I am teaching them not to. For me this created a large mix of emotions in myself. I one felt regret for losing my temper, and felt bad that I was a bad example for my students. Teachers are always teachers- whether in the classroom or outside in public and if I want to teach my students to be the best of themselves I must be the best of myself. Lesson learned.

Life at the hospital has been good. The other day I was wondering if anything that I do at the hospital makes a difference. Sometimes I just feel lost - then wednesday I started talking with a patient and we ended up talking for a very long time. At the end of the session he was walking outside and talking with his girlfriend and he goes "That white girl, shes legit, she makes me feel good" - and it reminded me that sometimes even though I feel like a failure as long as you put a lot of love into what you do - something good will come of it. Sometimes I focus too much on myself and how I are doing, I need to remind myself that if I give the best of what I have I shouldn't wonder - because I've already given all of me. 

One of my old roommates sent me the lyrics to a song the other day that really hit me: "If everything is Yours
I'm letting it go - No, it was never mine to hold". These lyrics reflect upon my spirituality right now. I try so badly to hold onto everything like its mine. I want to have everything under control and really - nothing here is mine anyway. The students at Mercy Wings, the patients at Mercy Hospital, my roommates and my friends. God has given me these people and places - He has put them into my life. I need to remind myself not to focus so much on me. Let go of control. Lesson in process. :) 


The other morning I had a dream where I was being chased by a ton of people. I was in an old blue truck that my family used to own and the people started pushing the truck and I was going to fall down a cliff. When I was falling down the cliff I realized that I was going to die. I started to freak out in the dream and then the impact happened and I woke suddenly on my bed. I immediately calmed down realizing that I was at home. I then thought to myself: "If that is what death is like - it won't be so bad... there will be fear and suddenness but then we end up somewhere comfortable, we end up home". This thought was kind of strange but later in the day while thinking about it, it made a lot of sense to me. If heaven really exists - and God is all that is love - maybe death really would be like a bad dream and when it ends we know where we are from the fact that we are finally in our eternal home. 


Anyway - This weekend we are going to "church camp" ... I know crazy. Its for people 18-30. One of my co-workers talked me into it. I guess that I am glad to be going - I will let you know all about it. Until then you have my love and prayers! Also - please write to me. I've been having a very severe drought of letters!! 


Remember: Every Saint has a past, and every sinner a future :)


Ashley Ann