Forgive them anyway.

Friends and Family,

This week seems like it has gone by in the blink of an eye. Last weekend I ended up going out with Sarah and Audrey on friday night and sleeping on saturday! It was a fun weekend that was really laid back and relaxed. On Sunday I took a day trip to a town called Parika with Ms. Marietta a mercy associate who lives with the Sisters. She wanted to show me a couple things in the area. The bus ride there was nice - I miss driving sometimes. Parika has a large boat harbor because it is on the Essiquibo river. This is one of the two major rivers in Guyana and is one of the larger rivers of South America. We saw the boats and she showed me the different places where I could get on the boats to go to different areas of the country.

When I got back to Georgetown I ended up going and visiting a few friends. My friend who has been in the bus accident last week passed by my house to visit with me. Seeing them was a really huge blessing. Although I had known that they were alright, I had heard their voice - I still didn't have the closure of actually seeing them alive and well.

Audrey and I have begun teaching a summer computer class together in Sophia at Mercy Wings. We are teaching with another man from the UK - his name is Ryan. It has been a good adventure so far. There are about 13 students in our first class and 7 in our second. We have all been taking turns teaching which makes things a lot easier than being responsible for teaching every lesson. I do like teaching but I feel like I am in need of a break! :) Ryan is new here so his energy is helping push forward the class at a good pace.

Working at the hospital this week was really slow and really crazy. It seemed like the saying when it rains it pours was very true this week. On tuesday when I was at the hospital we had VERY FEW patients and I ended up going home a little bit early because there was nothing for us to do. Friday I ended up going in during the afternoon to help out because things were going to be CRAZY, and they were. I just laughed to myself at the end of the exhausting day on friday. Sometimes that's just how life goes right.

We had one of our friends over for dinner this week, pizza and beer! When he came over and we were about to eat he was waiting for us to serve up the pizza. At that point we realized how there are still some small cultural differences that we forget about. Back home you would almost always know to help yourself and especially after being told, where as here people almost always serve you when you are eating at their house. mmmm just writing this blog makes me crave pizza again! Such a treat!

I know that I have posted this poem on my blog again - but it really has helped me this week:

Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

This week I had a long mental debate whether or not to give someone the benefit of the doubt. With all of my being I wanted to be mad and angry at the person who had wronged me, but I just didn't have it within myself. I don't know what it is but I sometimes have a really hard time holding a grudge. (sometimes) Then I reminded myself that - they said sorry - so I should forgive them. God doesn't think about forgiving me when I say sorry, he forgives me. Why do I need to think that I am more important than God to continue to hold a grudge?! I kept re-reading this poem this week to remind myself that at the end of the day it is between me and God. Life here can be tough, people can wrong you and hurt you even when you have given them your best. When this happens all I want to do is to get vexed and yell back - not call them - and push them out of my life. However, Mother Teresa reminds me that is not what Christ would do. Life is too short to stay mad. Life is too short to be bitter. Yes I have many lessons to still learn about this and people in my life who I still need to forgive, but I do feel like life here is teaching me a lesson in this. Always repeating to myself: "One day at a time".

I hope you all have a good week :)

Ashley Ann

Getting Lost, Being Lost, and Letting Go

Dear Friends and Family,

Hello! I hope that you all have had a very splendid week. I feel like this blog post will be long as I currently have a lot of thoughts running through my head. I might as well get started.

Last weekend on friday afternoon we left for camp!! The camp that we went to was up the linden highway and is called camp Kayouka. When we arrived at camp we discussed the basic ground rules and then had "tea". (Tea + snacks) That night was a low key night for us to get settled in and just mingle with each other. At first I have to admit I was kind of intimidated by the fact that I didn't know very many people. I didn't want to spend all of my time talking with Sarah and Audrey but I also wasn't the one to go out and just start talking to new people. My friend and co-worker Niall was on the trip so he helped to introduce me to a number of people.

Saturday morning we woke up bright and early to pray the Angelus and then begin the day with a morning exercise. We took a long walk to the sand pits near the camp, on the way we got a little bit lost. Audrey also got lost with one other person for about fifteen minutes, I guess there was one perk to standing out in the crowd everyone noticed when the "third white girl" went missing. :) Leave it up to Audrey to get lost. The day consisted of learning how to dance, learning about music and its impact on our life, lunch, prayer, and FUN! The evening continued with dinner, games, and some adoration. After adoration we closed of the night with a Bon Fire. There were some fun skits put on by different people including a "Miss World Contest". This competition consisted of only males!! HAHA

Sunday we got up for prayer, had a session on nutrition and then had Mass with Bishop. After Mass we had some free time and then we were on our way back home. My mind was conflicted throughout the entire camp because I was expecting to go into camp and be encourage to grow in my faith. I don't want to say that we didn't take time to pray because we did, however, very few of our sessions were actually on anything faith related. It made it seem more like a camp that prays rather than a camp that is meant to be specifically for Catholic youth.


I met a lot of interesting people at camp which was good. I sometimes get so trapped in the same old routine doing the same thing. It was a very short period of time but I hope that I am able to continue some of the friendship that I made over camp. I have seen someone from camp almost every day since we left just randomly on the street. It made me realize how Georgetown can actually have a small town feel. And well I know if you went to camp your question is: "Who's your camp crush?!" Because well of course when you were little and you went to camp you always had to find a boy to be a camp crush right?! When I was little I remember one of my best friends was CONVINCED she was going to marry her camp crush. Maybe i've grown up a little bit because yes there were cute boys at camp, and I may have had a small crush - but I didn't walk away thinking any of them were going to be my future husband... sigh... maybe next camp :)

Coming back from camp the week quickly became stressful. One of the mini buses that I regularly take was in an accident. Now the accident was because of a blown tire and could happen anywhere in the world, but the bad part about it was that one of my good friends was on the bus. I got a message from a friend saying there was a bus accident and I knew my friend could possibly have been on that bus. The minute I got the message I called my friend from my house and could hear chaos going on, they then told me how they were at the public hospital in a lot of pain and they weren't sure what was going to happen them. Their phone then cut off and I was left stress, confused and upset. Audrey and I called another mutual friend who took us to the hospital. After much waiting we found out our friend had been cleared by the doctors and was put in the ward for monitoring but was going to make it. I didn't sleep well that night, or the next but after a while the stress started to dissipate. I feel like sometimes it takes moments like these in our lives to make us really appreciate people, or even the fact that we are alive. Five people died in the bus accident and many were injured. I thought for a long time whether to write this in my blog or not - but I realized that this was one of the most real experiences I have had since being here. No matter where you are in the world accidents are going to happen, lives are going to be lost because of something that in an ideal world could have been prevent, and we have to remember that we never know when it will be our time to leave this world. Life is precious and fragile - - I read a quote this week that said: “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” -- This experience has reminded me that I need to tell those that I love how much they really mean to me. :)

I noticed that one person who I regularly see keep saying to me: "Miss you look lost". I realized how observant other people can be and how sometimes we just can't hide how we feel. It was a little bit of sunshine in the few days of frustration when I was reminded that there always people who care. :) Sometimes all it takes is for someone to notice that we are lost - to be found again. I still feel a little lost but things are coming back into place. :) 

Anyway - Graduation was on Wednesday. It was a really good ceremony. I hope to put up pictures on my next blog post. I would like to share about one student who really impressed me. Her name is Naameshwari and when she first came into this school she could barley do her alphabet. When they announced the number one student in her section, child care, it was HER! I was so impressed by her. She would spend all of her time trying to become a better person by really diving into her education. I never once heard her complain about the fact that she had an unfair life, that she wasn't good enough, or that she couldn't do it. She always had a smile on her face and she faced anything we threw at her with a perseverance that helped her accomplish every task. I will miss her dearly - not only for the passion she brought into the classroom but for all the life lessons she taught me. She reminded me weekly to be humble and speak softly. I pray she is able to continue bettering herself in the future - I will truly miss her. I have to let go and just watch now...

Wednesday night after graduation we had the schools prom. It was fun to see everyone dressed up and looking beautiful. I will make sure to put up pictures so that you are able to see. There was plenty of dancing and fun had by all. I was really glad that I was able to share that night with my students as an ending to the year.

The past two days have been laid back at work - finishing reports and setting up lesson plans and such for next year. I have a lot of work to get done this summer in preparation for next year but at least I won't have a class to teach at the same time. I haven't been to the hospital at all really this week because of how busy we have been at school. Next week I will get back into a regular routine - MWF teaching a summer computer course in Sophia (at the training centre) and T Th at the hosiptal doing my typical counseling.

Have a good week - Take one day at a time - Every day is a good day, just some are better than other.

Love,

Ashley Ann

Learning patience and crazy dreams! :)

Hello Everybody!

Well, its been two weeks since I have last written but it feels like only days ago. I realize how quickly my time here in Guyana is going by and it makes me a little sad to think about it. It has been hot here lately - and as I look at the weather it looks like it is hot everywhere!! I could really use some rain right now! :)

Mercy Wings, the school, comes to a close next Wednesday and the past two weeks have been giving exams, grading exams and having free time with the students. It has been really laid back, once exams finished, and I have enjoyed spending time talking with the students. It is crazy to think that in just one month I will have an entirely different set of students. I have learned so much from these students. They came into Mercy Wings at the same time I came to Guyana. Crazy to think about.

The reality is we did have some craziness go on. We had one student throw hot water into the face of another student which started a huge fight that ended up expelling both of them. Both students have always had major anger issues and I wasn't surprised when it happened. A couple days later we had a boy hit another boy in the face for looking at him in the wrong way. It ended up with another fight which one of them got expelled. The boy who got expelled also always had anger issues. It was difficult for me to see three students get expelled so close to graduation. Sometimes that how life is - if you go to college but then mess up right before your last set of finals you don't get your diploma either. Life is made up of the choices we make - right?

I've learned a lot about patience teaching at the school. I've also learned that if you have a lot of patience other people will notice when you lose your patience. There is someone who was constantly pushing my buttons and making my life difficult but I have been able to keep my temper for the entire year. Last friday my last piece of patience was ripped from me and I made one angry comment back at the person. The students who were around immediately said: "FINALLY, we've been waiting for you to be mean all year". It made me think for a long time - we are suppose to be helping to shape these students to be non-violent people... yet the only thing this year that has gotten a good response from them is when I do what I am teaching them not to. For me this created a large mix of emotions in myself. I one felt regret for losing my temper, and felt bad that I was a bad example for my students. Teachers are always teachers- whether in the classroom or outside in public and if I want to teach my students to be the best of themselves I must be the best of myself. Lesson learned.

Life at the hospital has been good. The other day I was wondering if anything that I do at the hospital makes a difference. Sometimes I just feel lost - then wednesday I started talking with a patient and we ended up talking for a very long time. At the end of the session he was walking outside and talking with his girlfriend and he goes "That white girl, shes legit, she makes me feel good" - and it reminded me that sometimes even though I feel like a failure as long as you put a lot of love into what you do - something good will come of it. Sometimes I focus too much on myself and how I are doing, I need to remind myself that if I give the best of what I have I shouldn't wonder - because I've already given all of me. 

One of my old roommates sent me the lyrics to a song the other day that really hit me: "If everything is Yours
I'm letting it go - No, it was never mine to hold". These lyrics reflect upon my spirituality right now. I try so badly to hold onto everything like its mine. I want to have everything under control and really - nothing here is mine anyway. The students at Mercy Wings, the patients at Mercy Hospital, my roommates and my friends. God has given me these people and places - He has put them into my life. I need to remind myself not to focus so much on me. Let go of control. Lesson in process. :) 


The other morning I had a dream where I was being chased by a ton of people. I was in an old blue truck that my family used to own and the people started pushing the truck and I was going to fall down a cliff. When I was falling down the cliff I realized that I was going to die. I started to freak out in the dream and then the impact happened and I woke suddenly on my bed. I immediately calmed down realizing that I was at home. I then thought to myself: "If that is what death is like - it won't be so bad... there will be fear and suddenness but then we end up somewhere comfortable, we end up home". This thought was kind of strange but later in the day while thinking about it, it made a lot of sense to me. If heaven really exists - and God is all that is love - maybe death really would be like a bad dream and when it ends we know where we are from the fact that we are finally in our eternal home. 


Anyway - This weekend we are going to "church camp" ... I know crazy. Its for people 18-30. One of my co-workers talked me into it. I guess that I am glad to be going - I will let you know all about it. Until then you have my love and prayers! Also - please write to me. I've been having a very severe drought of letters!! 


Remember: Every Saint has a past, and every sinner a future :)


Ashley Ann

Happy Birthday Gma and Uncle Matt

Hello Everyone,

It feels like this week went by in a blink of an eye. Last weekend ended up being a really laid back weekend in which we all did a whole lot of nothing. On Sunday night we ended up going out with a friend who helps to teach the boys at the orphanage music. It was alright. I ended up talking with a good friend for a long time Sunday night. I find it really good to talk with people who are very objective and don't let emotions cloud their thinking. Sometimes this can lead to the harsh truth when maybe you want something sugar coated but for me that is exactly what I need. If I go to someone who is going to try and make me feel better rather than showing me how ridiculous I am being then I don't start to think rationally. I am glad that I even have friends here who will help put me back in place. :)

This week at work was fine. I spent a lot of time giving tests and observing the students as the term is coming to the end. It is crazy to think that at the end of July I will be done with these students. They came into the school the same time I came into Guyana and I feel like together we have both done a lot of growing and changing. Hopefully for the better! :)

Work at the hospital was fine this week. I ended up having a conversation for a long time with someone about God and HIV. Although I believe miracles could happen, I had to convince the person how important it is for them to rely on medicine vs. the fact that God will cure them from HIV. We should not have faith without reason - but also people are taught that God can do anything. I think that can be a fine line in peoples minds and sometimes it can end up being dangerous for people with conditions that are slowly killing them. If you are stranded out in the middle of the ocean trying to get to safety and you keep asking God to help without trying to row the boat yourself you are never going to get anywhere. We always have to have faith but we have to row our own boats too.

I did forget to mention that last weekend my family ended up calling me! I was laying in bed about to fall asleep when my phone rang. My family was together for my Grandmothers birthday party. It was really good to hear from them all as they all sounded like they were having a really good time! I was sad to miss my grandmothers birthday. I have lived with my Gma Theresa since I was eight years old! There are so many things that I have learned from my grandma that if I took the time to write them all out I would far surpass my time on the internet. She always taught me to iron my clothes, sit up straight, and have the proper manners. She also always lead by example in teaching me compassion. My grandmother always goes above and beyond to do things for other people. She forgives easily and always helps other whenever they ask. My grandmother took care of my great grandmother for years and year and never did I ever hear her complain. If I live life to be half the person she is I will be a great person.

It was my Uncle Matt's birthday yesterday! My uncle Matt was the man who taught me how to ride my bike without training wheels. I still remember we were having a conversation at lunch at my Gma's and he couldn't believe that I still had training wheels. He told me after lunch I was going to go learn to ride without them. I remember going out there and him running beside me telling me he had the bike - but really I was riding on my own. This memory reminds me of how sometimes we just need to have someone believe in us in order to have the faith in ourselves. My uncle Matt has always had great support for me in my time here in Guyana and I am very thankful for that! (And for everything he teaches me about cooking!)

Well, I have also had a very quiet weekend this weekend. Friday night I ended up reading for most of the night. It was a really good time just to escape from life for a bit and enjoy things. Yesterday I spent the day doing errands and then ended up traveling out of town 22 km for a BBQ. It was fine although in true Guyanese fashion we ended up waiting like three hours for food. By the time we got our food we ended up leaving and going home. It was good food so at least it was somewhat worth the wait. Monday is a holiday here as well so I am excited for a long weekend. The holiday is CARICOM day and I am not sure exactly what it is about. CARICOM is the Caribbean community thing - I should probably be more specific but I am unsure myself. Anyway - I hope you all have a good week.

I will leave you with a quote that my good friend ZPR left on my facebook wall:

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth. ~Robert Southey

Have a blessed and happy 4th of July! Wishing I could be in the states to celebrate! Happy Birthday America!

 

Love and prayers, 

Ashley Ann