What goes around comes around!

It's officially almost the end of may which means it's almost my BIRTHDAY! Who's excited to raise the roof?!? Okay maybe not really but we are having a get together of friends tomorrow to celebrate the beginning of my 24th year of life!!

We had open day at school this Wednesday which meant that on Tuesday we had to get our classrooms ready for other schools to come and see. I had some old printers in the corner of my room that had been sitting there since the beginning of my time in Guyana. I had some of the boys move it so that the room would look nicer and as soon as their hands touched it, it literally shattered. I'm pretty sure the printer was as old as I am but it was hilarious to see the look on their face like: "Whhhaaaa I didn't do it!!!". Also I had an extra desk and about 10 extra chairs thrown at me that morning and was told: "Fit this in and make it look nice!!!". Well luckily I have 11 lovely girls in the morning who were easily bribed by sweeties to help me make the room look wonderful! I really love the girls I work with.

I had to go shopping on Wednesday to get a few different things and shopping in Guyana always truly makes me miss being home. I am not very fond of walking into stores, having someone follow me and also having someone tell me if they think the item I pick up is going to be too big or too small. I actually find myself avoid stores that have male sales clerks because I really just can't handle all the one on one attention when I have a terrible time making any decisions. I can't wait to be lost in a store alone picking out my own clothes without the mindless commentary!

As I realize that I only have a little bit more than two months left I feel like i'm starting to feel like I did at the beginning. I enjoy the little things of everyday that I had been taking for granted the past few months. Life is always more enjoyable when you find the small little things enjoyable - too bad it takes transition for me to remember.

Guyana is currently having a chicken shortage which means that chicken is really scarce and when you do find it it's expensive. We needed  to get chicken for my birthday get together and it was starting to stress me out. We were calling around different places and everyone said there were out. We finally called one store and they said they had some so we said we were coming. When we got to the store the ended up telling me that they didn't have any and I got frustrated. Then a young man who I knew walked out and started to talk to me. His mother was in the hospital for various reasons and every time I would pass him in the hall I would talk with him and see how he was doing. He ended up being the supervisor for this store and he told me to hold on. He went into the back and came out with a small slip of paper and told me to bring it up to the register and I would get the chicken I needed. I was so unbelievably relieved!! So many times I would walk by him at the hospital in a rush and still stop and at that moment I realized how important it is to give people your time. It's not just because he did me a favor in return but because he seemed so glad to do it. It truly pays to be nice to people not just because of what you receive in return but because of the connection you find with the person. I've been back to the store since and I can tell you every time I walk in I get excited to see my friend because his kindness always brings a smile to my face.

I need to wish my Auntie Annie a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY tomorrow!!!! I can't wait to go home and spent quality time with her in her scrap booking room!! My sister and I always say that her and my uncle Warren have adopted us as our second set of parents. I wish that I was in Ely to share a wonderful Angel food cake with strawberries that I'm sure my grandmother has made for my aunt. :) My aunt is such a kind and funny person I am blessed to have her so close to me when I am home!

Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann

Small and big joys of life*

Last weekend I was lucky enough to go on retreat from Friday night through Monday early afternoon. We went to St. Paul's retreat centre which isn't very far from Georgetown. The theme of the retreat centre around the bible passage about the Road to Emmaus. The first night of retreat was simple we just had dinner and opening prayer and had some time to relax before bed. The next day began with opening prayer and then we were to spend the rest of the day in silence. Although I have always wanted to go on a silent retreat silence is not easy for me. We had to reflect on a ton of different questions about our journey from the beginning of our experience in Guyana all the way up until today. I felt like I made it for about 90% of the day and then I was just exhausted so I took a nap! :) I think it was good to slow down and to think because honestly I feel like I haven't done much reflecting on life at all lately.

The next day we began talking about our transition to life back home. We had another set of information thrown at us and then the day to look through and reflect. Luckily this day was not in complete silence so I was able to chat with all three of the girls at different parts of the day and throw thoughts and ideas at them. I eventually just got overwhelmed at all the information in front of me that I just stopped and saved it for another time. Sometimes I feel like my mind can go into overdrive and I need to turn it off so I just don't go crazy.

Monday was the last day of retreat so we just had a closing activity which was creating a craft, closing prayer and lunch. I think this retreat made me realize how much of a home body I am. I really enjoy going out different places but I really love just to be at home in my own bed at the end of the day. There is something I really enjoy about the simple pattern and routine I have fallen into here in GT. I enjoy seeing familiar faces, taking the same routes to work and having a set schedule. For me this is really weird because that used to drive me crazy back home. I always looking for something new to do or something to keep me busy. Don't get me wrong I keep myself really busy here but I also found I have learned to be content with the small joys of life.

Speaking of the small joys of life one of my favorite boys from the orphanage lost his tooth the other day and when I went to the orphanage today I couldn't help but laugh when he smiled at me. He was almost ashamed of it at first but then I told him that it suit him and he couldn't stop smiling. Audrey has one boy in her class called Jamal Ali, He rarely listens to her and I told him if he listened that he would get cheese sticks from me which is something like cheetos. When I got to the orphanage he came up to me all affectionately asking me where his cheese sticks were. I told him that he didn't fulfil his end of the deal. He tried to cuddle up to me for a long time because I think he knows I have a weakness for cuteness. I didn't give in and this time I told him if he made it for all day monday and tuesday behaving I would come back and give him some. He flat out told me he couldn't behave that long and he would never earn the cheese sticks. I laughed at him a little bit but I appreciated his honesty. He knew he wouldn't be able to behave so he flat out told me the truth.

I think as adults we sometimes lose the ability to have that genuine honesty about our abilities. We all can't be the best at everything yet at the same time I feel like this is what we all desire. Sometimes I hear so many people rationalizing their abilities. For example if someone loses a video game it's never because the other person was better but because this excuse and that excuse. I think it can be very freeing in life to actually admit to who we are, to find the truth about ourselves the good and the bad. It is from there that we can honestly love ourselves and recognize that it isn't about what we accomplish but about who we are.

For those of you don't live in Minnesota this week my home town was very closely threatened with a forest fire. My family was evacuated for a short while on Thursday afternoon and had to decide what to take from the house. When I found out I was freaking out because not only is it my stuff by the house that I had grown up in and had sooo many memories. They made up so many different instances in my life that I couldn't imagine not having my house. It was the items but the memories that the house represented. All the many joys I experienced growing up would still be there but I knew it wouldn't be the same. Thankfully nothing and no one was injured and I can be relieved that I will go back to the same house that I left for Guyana. This is a great joy in my life! :) God is good.

Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann

Happy Mothers Day

This week I was sitting at work and one of the patients was waiting to see the nurse. I watched her as she sat there and was complaining of being in intense pain. I couldn't help but notice she was praying and all that she said was: "Lord, I can't take this pain, please take it away from me." It really hit me because I know that we've all been in situtations where we don't see the light rather just the darkness. I was then thinking about how Mother Teresa talks about how it's harder to comfort someone who feels lonely and unloved than a hungry person who simply needs food. I sometimes feel at a complete loss at how to comfort someone who is in pain. Pain is such a difficult issue to deal with because only the person experiencing it can actually understand that is going on. Pain changes people.

At first that might sound quite depressing but then I found a quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that inspired me:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

I truly believe this quote holds a lot of truth. All the people I really admire in life are people who have had deep suffering and terrible losses but come out of their sorrow and remember that life goes on. When I was younger I hated when my Grandmother would say that because I felt like whatever problem I was faceing was never going to get better. The older I get and the more I go through I really realize how true that statment is and that it's probably the most beautiful part of life. Life goes on. See Grandma's always know what's best even if our pre-teen selves couldn't understand! :)

We are about to go on retreat and so I only have a few minutes to write which is why I am keeping this blog short. Since I will be away for Mother's Day this weekend I guess I wanted to give my mother a shout out for Mother's Day and for being the best mother ever!

I was talking with my roommate last night and we were talking about our mothers and she asked me if I was able to tell my mother anything or if I could only tell her somethings. I immediately answered saying that I could easily tell my mother anything because my mother is non judgemental. I must also take my hat off to her for always knowing how to discipline her children well. I once remember asking my mother why she wasn't going to do anything when I did something wrong and she told me that I already punished myself worse that she would have. Having a guilty conscious like I do is never easy and having a mother who understands that has been one of the biggest blessings of mine growing up. Plus she knew I couldn't lie, and if I did she could always tell.... ALWAYS.

I love my mother very much! Happy Mothers Day!!

Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann

Mercy is putting your hands in dirty water

Every week we as a community take one night to have a spirituality night. During these nights we take turns using different prayers, discussing different spirituality topics or reflecting on spirituality in our daily lives. This week as we were talking Sarah reminded me of a quote from one of our trainings in preparation for Guyana: "Mercy is putting your hands in the dirty water". This quote really hit me and made me think about my frustrations from the week.

The hospital that I work at has a problem with slight flooding when the tide is high and it's raining which makes walking in and out of the compound slightly frustrating. Now, it was frustrating before but now that we have moved buildings this trek has become even more difficult. The other day I had to go over to the main building of the hospital and had to walk across some tiny planks, jump bricks, and tip toe around water simply to get across the water. I got really frustrated because our patients couldn't manage the walk through this obstacle course and I felt like the house we were put in was really inconsiderate for our patients. Now for those of you who live in the states this water is not clean water, it's dirty gross smelly infected water, nothing you would ever be willing to walk through. When Sarah brought up the quote about dirty water I had a complete light bulb moment and related the frustrations of the rising water to my attitude.

I feel like sometimes I am walking around yelling: "Loooook, DIRTY WATER!!! It's right there!! Someone fix it I can't believe there is dirty water!" When in reality I should be calm and willing to work with the dirty water. (figuratively :))Looking at something that's broken and telling someone that's it broken does nothing if no one is willing to try and fix it. I cannot fix all the problems at my work place and in fact I may never fix any but the point is if i'm not willing to try then nothing will ever be done.

One of things in the states that we take for granted is the lack of exposure to TB (Tuberculosis). I was talking to one of my co-workers who is suppose to start a TB prophylaxis regimen and she was saying how we don't all realize that we are in a epidemic country and can contract TB simply by being exposed in minibuses. Now with a healthy immune system you are much less likely to contract TB but three of my co-workers have recently started TB prophylaxis. Worrying about TB is something I would have never thought about back home and although it only rarely passes my mind here I still have to reflect on the fact that I am thankful for not having this worry growing up.

Tuesday was labor day which means another public holiday in Guyana. This means that I only taught one day this week which was kind of sad. I realized that I have become quite attached to my students and enjoy my time with them. One of my students has a really hard time learning but I wouldn't even have the slightest clue at how to describe her learning disability. When she is reading sometimes it will be the word cat and you've been working with her for an hour on the "at" sound but all of a sudden she forget everything you've taught her and just guesses "dog". I've always had a really hard time teaching her the computer and am thankful that other students are always willing to help her out and work along side of her when I am working with the other students. This week the students had a little bit more free time because I didn't want they to get too far ahead of the other set of students so they were all playing spider solitaire. For a long while different people have been trying to teach this girl how to play and sometimes with little success. On Tuesday I was sitting at my desk simply observing my students and I watched her open the program, play the game by herself and win. I sat there in shock because for her to actually win the game without help was such a huge accomplishment. I was so happy for her that she was able to do something on her own. It wasn't the fact that I had taught her but the fact that she was independent and could completely operate the mouse, figure out the game and succeed. So many times these students have such low self esteem and I desperately want them to feel like they can accomplish something. Yes i'm glad that by the end of this year my bright students will have a great grasp of the computer, but I'm also glad that my slow students will have made major accomplishments that you or I would take for granted.

Last night I went and baked cookies and made pasta with one of my friends Sanya. It was such a great night just to get away and relax. I think that baking and cooking has become my new favorite coping mechanism for stress which also includes cleaning the dirty kitchen. I think it's mostly because so many times I feel like i'm not accomplishing anything in my work and my life. I sometimes wonder if i've accomplished anything in my past two years here and completing small tasks helps me to remember I didn't come to change the world or even Guyana, but just to focus on the individuals that I could help. I'm glad that my coping mechanism is so tasty!

Well another week is quickly approaching. We have bought our plane tickets home and we leave Guyana on the 6th of Barbados. After we spend four nights in Barbados we leave on the 10th and arrive in Minneapolis on the 11th of August! Having a date makes everything just a little bit more real. Well anyway I have work to go and complete. Have a blessed week everyone!

Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann

Congradulations Erica!!!

Hello Everyone,

Today was one of those days where I was just thinking that nothing was going to go right. The nurse was in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing, I couldn't find the right nurse and the doctor and patients were all giving me a hard time. I had a patient come up the steps and start complaining about how long he had been waiting and how the nurse didn't know what she was doing and I just got fed up. He came into my room and we began to talk. He had to do patient education for starting ARVs and all of a sudden we had been talking for half and hour and he made me remember that all the choas was worth the reward. We had such a great conversation and he really showed me how I shouldn't lose hope. There is always a story to be hear and something to learn.

The hospital is in transition right now and it is quite frustrating because absolutely nothing is organized. I've been frustrated a lot this week because everything is in chaos and no one really has good communcation. One staff is yelling at the next and everyone is just at the end of their rope. I lost my cool a few times this week and had to really hold myself back from being a completely mean person. It made me really put myself into check and remember how important it is to be calm in the midst of choas.  Everyone is human but it is in a time like this where the hospital and our patients need us to let go of our own selfishness and make the best out of the things we have. I really learned this lesson from my co-worker Terese who basically shoved it down my throat everytime I was begin selfish and crabby. I'm thankful that her attitude makes me see where I need to improve in my own life. She always makes my day better even when she is yelling at me. We all need friends in our lives like that - not the ones who are going to sugar coat things but the ones that are going to show us the bad so we can get rid of it!

I feel like Guyana has been EXTRA hot this week and it makes me long even more for Minnesota weather. I know I am going to complain when I get home but I just feel like I can't take the heat anymore. I love when I get to walk into a building that has AC.

I want to congradulate my best friend Erica Riestenberg for her engagement!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that one of my best friends from back home has gotten engaged and it makes me feel soo grown up! Erica has always been here for me while i've been in Guyana and I don't know what I would do without her. It's friends like her that have made me be able to stay sane! :)

I found a picture this week that I felt has really described my life lately. I may not know what I am doing or exactly who I am but it's okay. Sometimes it's the bad and hard things in life that have made me the person I am. I didn't know what I was going to do after graduation until right before graduation. God will always provide for me but I need to remember that. I need to help myself so that God will help me and I need to be faithful. Sometimes the roads that look the darkest really hold the most light. So for all of those who keep asking what i'm doing next, know that I don't know but if anything this experience has taught me it's alright, eventually it will all work out. One day at a time.

Love and prayer everyone,

Ashley Ann

Friendships, Siblings and life lessons :)

I'm pretty sure that I can't go a single day without someone walking up to me and saying: "Ohh you leave so quick don't you?", or "You're leaving just now aren't you?". I am constantly reminded that I am leaving sometime within the next 3.5 months. It's been difficult for people to be constantly reminding me because it makes me think of home so much more often than before when no one was constantly reminding me of home. It's a bitter sweet feeling because of course I am excited to see all the people I love back home but I always always always hate goodbyes.

I haven't written since Easter which feels like ages ago now. I was glad to get back to school this week and get back into the swing of things. I have this one student in particular that always makes me smile, Doris. I can be having the worst of days and Doris will come up to me and say: "Miss whaam?" (Miss, what's happening?) He is small in stature and may have some type of learning disability but what he lacks in height and intelligence he makes up for in heart. Doris is ALWAYS willing to help out.

There is another student named Kevon who is a very bright, strong, and popular young man. Doris and Kevon are always in the same class and Kevon often sticks up for Doris and doesn't like to see people picking on him. One day Doris got mad at something Kevon said and he went after him out of pure anger. Kevon pushed him back but didn't hit him very hard. After the whole situation finished Kevon said to me: "Miss don't you think if I really wanted to hit Doris he would be flat on the ground?". He was right if he would have given him one big hit Doris would have been on the ground. Kevon and I walked out of school together that day and I talked to him about how sometimes Doris just gets frustrated about how everyone else picks on him. He and I had a good chat about him and said he knew it's just he couldn't let someone come after him without at least pushing the guy away. I agreed that he was right about that point. The next time they were in school they were both in my room and I asked them if they were alright and they both said yes.

Kevon has no reason to be nice to Doris and in fact I've always been surprised at how nice he is. Kevon really taught me a lesson because sometimes when I help people and they come back and hurt me I just want to give up. Kevon had the person he sticks up for try and fight him and still was his buddy. It made me remember that my students really have big hearts. I feel like they've grown so much this school year and I can't wait to see what they are like at the end of the year.

The week after Easter we had some of the little boys over at our house and we had one set of brothers. Their names are Adrian and Joshua and they are absolutely ADORABLE. The thing about these two boys is I think I have finally found a pair of siblings like my sister and I. Joshua is the older one and he is quiet reserved but knows exactly what he wants. If Joshua wants to color a picture he will sit and color it and doesn't like other people to mess with his work. I feel a lot like Joshua. Adrian is a cute and spunky little boy. He loves to have people play with him and is a LOT more adventurous than Joshua. Joshua seems very independent where Adrian loves to have people help him. Adrian was running around the house looking at stuff and his brother always kept him in check making sure that he was well behaved. I feel like Joshua and Brittany is Adrian. Having them over made me realize how special it is to have a good relationship with my sister.

One of my favorite stories of my sister is how when we were little we shared a room for a long time growing up. My sister begged and begged for her own room and eventually she got her own room. The very first night she was in her room and I was in my room she came in and asked if she could sleep in my bed with me. She would beg and beg to sleep with me because she didn't like to be alone. I laugh now because I swear for the first year that she had her own room she would sleep in mine. Even though my sister and I are exact opposites I feel like we have a bond that most people wouldn't understand. I think it all started when my sister wanted to sleep in my bed and continues now by phone calls during life crisis and a non judgemental relationship. I am always very thankful for my sister and love her dearly.

I guess this is all for the week. Know of my love and prayers,

Ashley Ann

Jesus Christ is Risen Today!

Easter Morning we woke up bright and early and ate a breakfast of eggs and muffins before we set out to church. Every Easter I always have the hymn "Jesus Christ is risen today" stuck in my head. I can hear my grandma singing it from the choir loft all the way in South America! :) Luckily when we were walking into Mass that morning the choir was singing that as their opening song and I felt right at home.

I've always been a big fan of Easter and in fact I think that I even like Easter better than I like Christmas. Easter is a big deal at our house back home and it just doesn't feel the same being down here in South America. I did however get to do a lot of thinking with the time off that I've had.

It started on Good Friday when almost everything down here is closed and no one goes out in order to keep the reverence of the day. I did a lot of thinking about the disciples. They had been following Jesus for about three years at that time and their leader and their hope was being crucified. I think that I would feel lost, confused and completely alone. I am sure they had many doubts and were ready to just give up at some points. I think about how there are so many times here in Guyana that I just get fed up and want to quit. To have one of those moments where you are looking all around you but all you see is darkness. We can all relate to Good Friday and the hardships that we face in life.

Then we have Holy Saturday and really it's just a day of waiting. I think that often we don't think much about Holy Saturday it's just the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Yet I feel like a lot of times in life we really need to think about how often we are in the Holy Saturday position. To be between a difficult time and waiting for a response from the Lord. It's not like we ask for something to come our way and it automatically happens. We need to have faith that Easter Sunday is coming. I find myself always becoming impatient. I have completely faith that after Holy Saturday the sun will set and rise again on Easter Sunday, however, I don't always have faith that God will change my Good Friday's into Easter Sundays when I am living in the Saturday. These three days are really a lesson telling me to learn to trust. Sometimes our Holy Saturdays could last years and years or it could just be a short period of time, either way I have to have faith.

Easter Sunday of course is the resurrection! New life, rejoicing, and renewed hope are all found on this glorious day. For us the ultimate Easter Sunday would be once we have finally found ourselves in God's Kingdom but they are many other points of resurrection in our lives. As I have said before and been reminded many times by others we are Christians of Easter Sunday.

I enjoyed Easter in Guyana we went and took walks out on the Sea wall and enjoyed flying kites. Audrey took some really good pictures and I promise to put some up very soon. I enjoyed spending time at home and relaxing with my roommates. My roommate Sarah happened to be in NYC for part of this week transporting a patient back to the USA. It was hard for me to not have Sarah around all the time. I think the reason it was hard for me was because it was hard for me to actually imagine the fact that she was in the USA. I haven't been back home in about 20 months and I am still having a hard time conceptualizing that fact that I will be home at the end of august. 

I was talking to my friends the other day about sometimes it becomes difficult to describe my life in Guyana because it feels so normal. I don't feel like anything is different and that it's the exact same as my life back home. Then I talked to my family over Easter and saw my house in the background and I was really reminded that life was different. Then Sarah came home from the states and we all stayed awake talking about all the things we had forgotten about.

I've been walking around the past few days a little bit more mindful of the situations around myself. I have learned that maybe there is a lot of garbage on the streets but I've learned to overlook it and appreciate the sea breeze and beautiful sunlight. There may not be good traffic crossings but I've learned to fully use all my senses when about to cross the street and appreciate being aware of my surroundings. I've fallen in love with chaos and find a completely sense of peace in a busy and crowded market like I was sitting at home enjoying a movie.

I promise to post pictures of my Easter experience later this week!

Love and prayers,

Ashley Ann