Forward Backtracking...

Good Day Everyone,

I felt like it has been a long time since I blogged because of my weekend gone on retreat. Our retreat was a nice weekend. We spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection. It was good for me to go and think about where I had been at the beginning of my experience here and how much I have changed. The bible story that we reflected on for the weekend was from the gospel of Luke:

Jesus Calls His First Disciples

 ¹ One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret,^[a] the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. ² He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. ³ He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

 ⁴ When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”

 ⁵ Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

 ⁶ When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. ⁷ So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

 ⁸ When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” ⁹ For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, ¹⁰ and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners.

   Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.”

For me the part that stuck out the most was from verse five when Simon responds to Jesus. Sometimes I feel like I can be such a Simon telling the Lord that i'm tired and worked hard and I just don't have the faith to do more, but if He tells me to I will. Sometimes it can be really difficult to have that extra faith to try again when reason tells you not to. God is always with us whether reason tells us that or not. 

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about the past year. May is the month of my birth and of my high school and college graduation. Its crazy to think it has been five years since I graduated from high school. There are so many people who shaped my life back there to make me who I am. I remember having a conversation with my good friend Steve and I told him how I really wanted to do international service at some point in my life. I told him how I didn't know if it would ever happen because I don't know what my family would think. Steve always reminded me to follow my dreams. He also always reminds me to not worry with what other people say. I sometimes worry to much about what people think about me, or if people like me. He tries to remind me that at the end of the day the only person that it really matters to is myself. If I am striving to do the best I can why should I stress so much on what other people think. 


Its been a year since I graduated university and all of my friends have gone in crazy different directions. John is finishing up his year on net, Sara will soon be entering her second year of focus, Erica is finished with her classroom aspect of her clinical program, Andrea and Sam graduated from UMM, and Zach finished his first year as a teacher. Its crazy to think that a year ago we were all together. There are many people who shaped my life at UMM and I am grateful for them all. (Many not mentioned) I have many wonderful friends here in Guyana but reflecting on this is somewhat sad as I miss these people who really know the true me. They understand my dreams, goals, and frustrations. I am forever grateful for this understand that they have of me and their friendship. 


This week our school Mercy Wings had its "Open Day". This was a day for other schools to come around and see the different things that we do at the school. The morning was really good because we had three schools come. I had the students explain the different computer programs that I had them working on throughout this year. The afternoon was not as successful because it started to rain really hard, and well no one here likes to go out in the rain. I hate to go out in the rain. Open day made me realize how improved my students have become at the computer. It gave me a little extra boost of confidence because it shows that all the hard work is starting to pay off. 

This week at the hospital was fine. On monday it is typically really busy but this monday was quite slow. I also didn't work on wednesday because we had open day at Mercy Wings. I work on a computer program at Mercy Hospital that often times makes me quite frustrated. I was complaining about the "stupid" program and someone this week said to me: "You like to do it because deep down inside you really like to help people". (or something along those lines) Now this person doesn't really know me at all. In fact most of the time they just give me hard time but when they said that it kind of hit me and I realized he was right. No matter how much I complain about the stupid program and charts I will continue to do it because that's what I do. It makes me think of my friend Adam who would in high school who would always say: "Ashley you're too nice" all the time. Sometimes he's right, there needs to be a balance between being too nice and letting people take advantage of you and doing things for others because you enjoy being nice. I am trying to find the balance between the two. 


Anyway...


On thursday my troublesome group of boys was actually extra good. I am not sure what their parents fed them that morning... but lets just hope that they are that good for the rest of the year. It was an extra blessing I was very grateful for. Thursday night was also really wonderful because our director Lisa and her new fiance came over for some chicken curry dinner. I made the chicken curry and they brought us ICE CREAM!!! I never thought I would be so excited for ice cream. :) Its the simple things that people do that can really make your day. I thought it was extra sweet that they would go out of their way to get something for us. Sweet people :) 


My sister comes on TUESDAY. I am super excited for my sister to come! I know that it will be a crazy collision between my world back home and my world here but I am ready for it. My mother, grandmother, and auntie come to see me on SUNDAY (coming). I am pumped. 


Today I was walking to catch a bus and I realized how most of the times when I catch a bus, or walk to a bus I end up having to go some distance in the wrong direction to get going the right direction. I also realized there is really nothing that I can do about it, it is simply the way that the mini bus routes run. This makes me think of my friend Seth because my friend Seth HATES backtracking. I also hate backtracking but I just can't help it. As these thoughts were running through my mind I thought about the fact that its kind of like life. Sometimes we feel like we are going backwards but its the only way to get moving forward again. Sometimes this is difficult to see but we just have to trust our feet beneath us and keep our head up. Its amazing how little funny thoughts can turn into teaching moments. It made me feel a lot more relaxed about a few things in my life. 


Well I hope you all have a good week. I know that I will! :) Well at least I hope so! :) Be confident in hope!


Love and prayers, 


Ashley Ann

Retreat!

Dear Friends and Family,

I am going on retreat this weekend so I don't have too much time to blog. This week has gone by soo fast! I feel like everything finally got back to normal after a lot of time on holiday. It was good to get into the normal swing of things.

We had a really good weekend last weekend enjoying Hens last few nights. We had a get together at her house and ate tons of food. One of my good friends came over and we cooked together. I have really enjoyed learning to cook here! I mostly just washed the dishes and observed but "just now" I will be able to do it on my own. I have to admit I make a pretty good chicken curry.

I really don't have a ton of time - but I am going to share with you a poem that really has helped me to think since I have been in Guyana:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

May you have a blessed week - until then :)

Ashley Ann

Enough Holidays

Dear Friends and Family, 

Did you have two different public holidays this week? I didn't think so!! Both the 1st of May and the 5th of May are public holidays. The first of may was labor day here, sorry, labour day, and the 5th of May was Indian arrival day. This is the day that is claimed the first Indians came to Guyana... or something like that. I feel like Guyana has more public holidays than any other country. I feel like there is at least one or two public holidays a month - CRAZY! 

Well Anyway, I spent this week as normal. I enjoyed having monday off. One of my friends is planning to go to the states to study and because of that she needs to take the SATs. Because of this I have been helping her study quite a bit this week. I even went to her house for almost the entire day yesterday to study.  I realized how rusty I had become at all of the math... but I was able to catch on quickly again and help. 

On Wednesday work at the hospital was CRAZY. I felt like every two minutes there was another case or patient that required a large amount of attention. I've really started to realize how terribly HIV is stigmatized around the world. People view those who have HIV+ as promiscuous and uneducated. Within my time here I have had one of my clients test HIV+ and after the results came back he admitted that he had only had relations with two women in his life and was faithful to his wife. This client to me was a real reality check. It helped me to remember that who am I to judge someone. I have really begun to be hit with the reality of this disease. So many patients talk about the hope of finding a cure, the pain of the stigma, and the reality of the fact that their health is in terrible danger. Yes, there is medication - but so many people don't want to take medications everyday, and eventually the disease takes its toll on everyone. I am finally starting to be hit with all of these realities because I am really starting to truly love the people I work with. To me I don't see or think about the HIV anymore, I truly think about the person. Although yes this is a beautiful thing it can be difficult when I think about the struggles they face everyday with little hope for a cure. 

I guess all of this thinking has really made me think about what it means to be holy. I feel that there are days when I  feel so confused to what it really means to be close with God. Back home I felt like I found my answer in the teachings of the church through my own studies. Here, I feel like I am trying to place together that which I have studied and my everyday encounters. One thing that I could never learn from a book was a lesson on forgiveness. Being here I have had to truly forgive people for terrible things and love them deeply after. This is a really difficult thing to do but it has taught me more about God and love than I ever learned studying anything. I've literally held hands and prayed with someone who has stolen something very important from me. This moment for me was surreal. I learned that life will give you moments where you question everything that you once believed, and you need to let those moments make you stronger. 

I was watching a young boy carry large buckets of water up some stairs because their house doesn't have plumbing and I realized that it seemed normal to me. I realized that it didn't strike me as weird. Then my student told me today that I started to stop speaking like "white people". She also mentioned that I "whine" a little bit more when I walk. She was telling me that I am more Guyanese now - Its crazy to see how things change. I am in love with Georgetown, with the Guyanese people, and with life here. Its good to be somewhere that you love doing the things you love. 

I hope you all had a good week. I am thinking of you - Please pray for my friend Henrietta who leaves Georgetown next friday. I will be very sad to see her go. She is a good friend of mine and has made a "lovely" impact on my life. (She is brittish) :) 

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa

Love, 

Ashley Ann

P.S. I really enjoy this song - check it out - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gsld43ShCeM

Happy Easter!!!

Dear Friends and Family,

I hope you had a blessed and joyful Easter. Life here in the past two weeks has been crazy and wonderful. We have had vacation from school and it has been a huge blessing. While we had vacation from school we had some of the orphanage boys over at our house. Well, we actually had all of the primary boys over. It was good for them to do something different and keep them busy during their time off. I got sick during the week and ended up spending some time in bed but I am healthy now!

I figured I would put up some pictures from the boys rather than trying to describe everything for a change in pace.

The boys from the orphanage always remind me to be grateful for what we have. They are really need so much attention but its just not possible to give everyone all the attention that they need. Everyone does a really great job to do the best they can, but nothing beats being in a family. I will always be indebted to the love they show me. The boys are very affectionate and that makes time with them so rewarding.

Easter here was a really good experience. On Easter Monday everyone goes out to the sea wall and fly kites. We also went out with the boys to fly kites which was also really great. I really enjoyed spending Easter here. It was really laid back but at the same time good. There was no Easter Bunny - but there were plenty of kites.


Life other than that has been good. I've been enjoying time off and relaxing. It is always so important to take time for yourself. I sometimes forget that I need to just relax and not stress. This is what the last two weeks have really been.

Other than that I've also been reading "The girl with the dragon tattoo" and its sequel. The book starts out slow but is REALLY amazing. I would very much recommend reading them both. While I was sick I ended up reading 581 pages in ONE DAY! It obviously shows how good the book was!

I am sorry this is short, but hopefully you enjoy the pictures. Know that I have been thinking of everyone back home often during the Easter period. I got a card from my Aunt the other day that wished me the best as I entered the season of hope. It was a really good reminder for me. This is the season of hope -

Be confident in hope!

Love,

Ashley Ann

Henrietta With Ramario

Getting the Boys to Help Clean up!

Ramario in the Hammock

Sleeping Boys

Family Photo After Easter Vigil

Kites on the Sea Wall

The Sea Wall/Ocean

Hanging out by the Ocean on Easter Monday

Coloring on the Veranda

No Snow Here!!!

Ola Pedro,

I watched my all time favorite movie last night 27 dresses... hence the greeting! I hear some of you got snow recently... Don't worry - I'm in the 90 degree heat and LOVING it!

I feel like just yesterday I was blogging for last week. I sometimes feel like everything goes by so quickly I can't even keep track of things. It is now halfway through April which means in just a little more than a month my family is coming. I like having things to look forward to but it also makes time go by so fast! I can't believe they will be here so quickly!

Work this week was stressful as next week is the end of the term. At school I spent most of my time assessing the students on their progress throughout the year. Assessing them on this was one of the most rewarding things I have done so far. I could actually see progress on their computer skills. Its rewarding to know that the work I put in with them actually is having some fruits! One of the students who had no idea how to even turn on a computer showed me he could successfully use microsoft word and powerpoint.

Work at the hospital was busy but and stressful. There is a couple of young patients who are not doing so well in the hospital. It is always really difficult to see young children suffer from HIV. Its difficult to know that they are dying from HIV and at no fault of their own. (Not saying people who get HIV are at fault!) It takes a lot of energy to mentally understand any good that could come out of a situation like this.

My student who has been in the hospital is slowly making progress but is still in need of much medical attention. Right now she is still waiting on blood but there is a huge blood shortage right now. They don't know how soon she will be able to get the blood but I will let you know the progress.

This week more than once I have been "stuck between a rock and a hard place" with little idea of how to get myself out. Being in these situations always makes a person more angry and vulnerable to the world around them. This is definitely true of myself, when I am in a difficult situation it is really easy to get defensive and look towards others. I took a long time this week to examine the mistakes I had made to bring myself into the situations that I encountered. This is a very difficult thing to do because it can go one of two ways. The first was is that I would blame everything on the other person and say that I had no fault. (Pride) The second way is that I would blame everything on myself and feel bad and think "Woe is me". (Scrupulosity) Neither of these options lead to a very healthy outcome. I began the week thinking like the second one, in the middle of the week was thinking like the first one, and finally by the end of the week I started to realize that may I need to think a little more along the middle lines. I have made many mistakes since being here, and I have many more to make but everyone around me also makes mistakes.

This was all made really clear to me when I went to a church yesterday and saw one of my own students. He gave me a really big hug and told me he was very happy to see me. He is an aspiring pastor and as we got to talking he said to me: "Well on Sunday we ask for forgiveness because we are all sinners, no matter how much we try we all sin". Such a simple message but so easy to forget sometimes. We are all at fault and we all sin against one another. Why is it that we always want to see ourselves as so perfect when we are flawed. Yes we should strive for perfection, strive for holiness but until we realize within our minds we will fall we will be battling pride and scrupulosity within our minds.

I am so blessed and happy to have so many students and other individuals in my life who help to show me light every day.

Well I hope you have a really good week - "If you can't feed a hundred people... then just feed one..." Mother Teresa!

Love,

Ashley Ann

Happy Birthday Kelsey

Dear Friends and Family,

Today is my best friend from high school's birthday!!!! I am missing her very much! We have been through the past 15 or so years of life together and I am sad to be so far away when she turns 23!!! :) She has always been a sense of calm and security through my life and for that I could not be more thankful!

Well this week has been an interesting one. Audrey's family arrived Sunday morning and it was really exciting. Not only did they bring us candy from home but it was just really good to talk with her family. They have been really interested in all aspects of our lives and its good to share what we have here with people who are closest to Audrey. It is also nice to come home to see her parents because it gives our house a little more "homey" feeling.

Work at the hospital this week was busy for me. I spent a lot of time doing clerical work because we are still working on reports. Finally on Wednesday afternoon I finally got everything done. Nothing was too exciting other than the constant movement. Seeing and talking with the patients is also very rewarding. I find an abundance of kindness and respect from the people I work with. I was working with a child who is HIV + and he was so sweet in my mind I said "I just want to take you home with me".

Work at Mercy Wings this week was rough. On Thursday morning I had to give my students an assessment. During the test they were really difficult. I was having a hard time keeping them quiet which is unusual for them. At the end of the test one of the students tells me how his cell phone had been stolen during the test. I ended up sending for the Co-Coordinator of the school because I knew that it was something I couldn't deal with. The students were searched thoroughly but the phone was never found. Although a phone wasn't found quite a few forbidden items were. The boy who's phone was stolen is super sweet and never causes any trouble. The boys who took it (Suspected to have) are very difficult and almost never cooperate. I guess the rough part about this is there is one boy in particular who I have seen change over the past month. He used to keep to himself, be respectful, smart, and always help out. Then he started to hang out with the boys who are suspected to have stolen the phone. Within the past month he has become more aggressive and disrespectful. Last week I asked him to clean for me and he tried to disrespect me in front of all of the other students. This was something that is very rare for him. I let it go and told him if he did it again I would make him clean the entire yard of the school. This week while we were taking the test he once again gave me problems. After the test had gone and the bell rang I called him into my class. We discussed his test and how he almost failed. I confronted him on the fact that last term he was the second highest student and that I expected better from him. When we were talking one on one I told him that he was being respectful. He responded "Miss I always respect you" and I said "You always respect me when the other boys can't see". He shamefully looked at me and didn't argue. I told him how I knew he could be and has been a better person, I asked him if I should expect this behavior from him to continue or if he would return to his normal respectful self.

This is the most difficult aspect of my job because it breaks my heart to see him go in the wrong direction. It's so difficult when you see the untapped potential of a student and see them waste their time and try and fit in. I pray that he is able to see the good he has in himself. I pray that all of my students see the dignity that they have.

My girl in the hospital is still struggling very much. Her breathing is still difficult and painful but she is trying to be a fighter. I was unable to talk with her because when I went in she was sleeping. We have been taking turns going to see her and bringing her juice and water. I continue to ask for prayers for her. It is difficult to watch someone suffer for so long.

One thing that i've really been reflecting on this week is the fact that so many times we dream big but do nothing. I was thinking about the lack of education in the world today and how daunting of a problem it is. Then I thought well what can I do to fix it? I am teaching in one small area of the world but that doesn't change anything on the broad scale. Then I realized that so many of my friends and family back home also have passions about things such as: being green, helping children, spending time with the elderly... etc. Then I thought of someone I personally know who wants to be very green however is too lazy to recycle things within their own home. We dream about a greener world but sometimes forget the small things we can do. I found that in Guyana I have had to learn that I can dream big but I must work small. Sitting and thinking about things doesn't get anything done.

I've also learned to try and do what I love to do this week. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things I need to do, how quickly they can be done, and who good I am at doing them. I forget to take time for myself. I think that was one lesson my aunt and uncle taught me earlier this summer. They both love to cook and so they cook. I was able to cook with them this summer and it really helped me to relax and enjoy my time before leaving. Its simple... do what you love, and love what you do.

May you have a blessed week. Know that I am praying for you and I ask for your prayers.

Love,

Ashley Ann

Miss Stop Speeding!

Dear Family and Friends,

I write to you after a very relaxing weekend, but a very long week. Our retreat last week went very well. We spent most of the time just hanging out, reading, and talking. On Saturday morning we took a two and a half hour long adventure along the sea wall. It is a different type of sea wall than that of Georgetown and it was a good change in scenery. We all got a little sunburnt even though we put plenty of sunscreen on.

I found an apostolic letter by Pope John Paul II on the christian meaning of human suffering. It was a really good letter to read because it helped to put everything that I had been experiencing together. I remembered that suffering is always difficult but if we focus on the sufferings of Christ and how we can unite with Him things become a little easier. I am not saying it takes away any of the pain, or that it doesn't still really suck, I am just saying that its better than becoming self absorbed into the "why me". I need to remember that when I feel bad for myself and wonder why I am going through this I accomplish nothing... however, when I think to offer up my suffering for someone else I remember that good can come out of terrible situations. I've noticed people keep saying in the end you will realize there is a reason for all of this and maybe that is the lesson I need to learn. I have to understand that even though I don't understand it all now, I need to let go of the control and the wanting to understand and live life as it is presented to me. When life gives you limes, buy el dorado rum, coke and make a drink! :) haha.

This week at school I felt like the students decided to become extraordinarily agitated. I don't know a reason for this and I was not the only one to notice this. I feel that there must be something in the air. This made the days really long and punishment quite frequent. I have and always will be terrible at punishing students. I can be such a soft person that I fail to actually punish strict enough. I feel that the longer I am in Guyana the better I become at finding reasonable and just punishments. I wish that punishment wasn't a part of the job, but it is and therefore its just another place where I can grow as a teacher.

However even among the frustrations there are always the students that make you smile. I am constantly surprised at students when I see them grow as a person. I have learned that you can never label a student as a bad egg because there is good in everyone. Even the most difficult of students can surprise you by the changes they can make if they want to be a better person.

One of my co-workers at the hospital was gone for almost a month and she finally came back this week. I was really happy to see her and it made my week that much better. Work at the hospital was full of tons of clerical work because it is the end of the month and I was busy helping put reports together. Not fun, but necessary for the job! :)

If I've learned anything this week it has been that I must be patient. I sometimes feel like when I am confused or conflicted that I need an immediate answer. I spent the past two weeks thinking over something in my mind that I really didn't need to think about. Today it was on my mind all day and finally at the end of the day I realized the only reason the problem is not going away is because I am letting myself dwell on it. The Guyanese always say you shouldn't "Study things" (think too much) because it will make you old fast. I agree. My students noticed that I was "studying something" and kept telling me to not "take on too much stress". I feel that sometimes we wrap our minds in stress when really we need to let it go. Today my good friend told me "Miss, stop speeding", which means that I need to stop thinking so much. I then took the bus home and by the end of the bus ride I realized that he is right... I just need to stop thinking and let the cards play. If I can't control a situation I must remember "What will be, will be".

Well I hope that you have a wonderful week. (Update - my student is stable now, but still in need of many prayers to make it through this!... more later!)

Love,

Ashley Ann